Don’t Make Me Kill You Pedro

I was in high school in 1973 when OPEC (the Organization of the Petroleum Exporting Countries) caused a national crisis by embargoing oil, reducing the United State’s supply as punishment for US support of Israel during the Yom Kippur War. Within days there were long lines at the pump, gas was rationed, and everyone was freaking out. A few years later (1977), President Jimmy Carter gave a speech where he referred to the energy crisis as the “moral equivalent of war.” By 1977, however, the embargo was long over. Gas was again cheap and plentiful, so we all ignored him.

Fast forward to 2017.

When I was in Guatemala earlier this year, I saw a map showing the only places on earth where the coffee bush can grow. It didn’t include the US. The countries that grow coffee, all south of the border, have an organization similar to OPEC. It’s called the International Coffee Organization (ICO) and its member governments represent 98% of world coffee production.

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I wonder how our country would respond if ICO decided to punish the US for its policies by causing a coffee embargo? That’s right, no Folgers, no Chock Full O’ Nuts, no Cafe Bustelo (my poison of choice), and (OMG) no Starbucks!

I see long lines waiting for your rationed drop of lukewarm, brown swill made from leftover grinds, massive reductions in white collar productivity, withdrawal headaches, and widespread snarkiness. I see madness and mayhem. I see skies full of ICBMs, their red trails blazing arcs of fire toward those muthafucka’s who have our coffee. Take that Pedro!

I hope it never happens, but you border wall advocates better think twice before provoking the wrath of the ICO.

Unless, of course, you really like…Postum.


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